shrinkingfaerie

I got a call this morning that my grandmother had passed away.  I cried some, but I think at this point I am pretty numb, or I am making myself be. 

I loved my grandmother very much.  I know that we haven’t been as close in the past few years as we were when I was younger, but that didn’t change the way I felt about her. 

She was beautiful.  She had the bluest eyes, I always loved them.  I have memories of her always having make-up on, and when it was time for bed, her hair wrapped in toilet paper. 

I think there are parts of her that I never knew, that saddens me.  We never really talked a whole lot about things and the way they were.  I don’t know anything about the way she grew up, or what her parents were like.  Those are things I always thought we would get around to, I guess we won’t.

I don’t know that I am as sad about her passing (I know she is in heaven..she had a strong faith and was ready) as I am sad for me that I won’t ever know her like I wanted to.

She was loving, but for some reason we just never went there.  Perhaps that is my fault, or some hers for not realizing I had grown up.  It lays on us both for not bringing up those things, but it is me that is stuck here wishing we had.

I hate regrets, I hate thinking of all of the things I could have said, or could have done.  I hate to think of the times when her name came up on the caller id and I didn’t answer because I didn’t have time or didn’t feel like talking.

I think in some ways I punished her after my other grandmother died.  I think I did it because she wasn’t like her.  They were as different as night and day, but I am as much a part of each as I can be.  I can see the qualities that I carry that are from the personality of each of those wonderful women.

My life is more empty today than it was yesterday, and will never be that full again.  Each day as my loved ones age, as their health gets worse, or things happen to take them from me…..I realize how fragile the whole thing is.

I pray I will never take one moment with anyone I love for granted.  I will always tell and show them in every single way I can how much they mean to me. 

I take that lesson from you grandma….the lesson of time, the lesson of not having regrets.

I love you and miss you very much.

Guess I am not as numb as I thought. 

One last kiss with lipstick smudges on my cheeks.

I will miss that silly smudge.

I wanted to thank you all so very much for all of the thoughts, prayers, and encouragment you have given me.

I almost lost my mom a week ago Sunday.  That is the reason I have been absent, when I thought things were going to be fine.  Her blood pressure dropped, and they put her in ICU.  I have to admit it was the most scared I have ever been in my life.  I love  my mom so very much.  We have always been together,  her and I.  She has always supported and loved me in everything and despite everything I have done.  I can’t imagine what I would have done without her.

I am grateful to say she is a totally different person as of today.  She is in continuing care, rehab, and will be getting out in about two weeks.  We are making plans to go to her apt and pack all of her things up.  She is coming to live with me and my husband.  He was so sweet to have the idea of it.  I had thought of it, but wasn’t sure how he would feel.  We haven’t been married very long at all, and a lot of men wouldn’t really even consider it.

I have to admit I am excited yet scared at the same time.  I do love her so, but not sure how us living together will work.  I guess it will take adjusting on both of our parts to make it through.  I think this is one of those times when I wish I had a girlfriend in the area to go and do things with, to just get away.  Maybe that will come with time after I start working again.

As far as dieting goes..yuck!!!  I think I have actually gained a pound or two.  I am horrid at stress eating.  I am starting slim-fast tomorrow.  I have done it before and it worked really well, it was me that messed up.  I hope I can stick with it, I really do.

Watching my mom go through health problems really made me think.  I know I don’t take good care of myself and lots of things run in our family.  I think my losing weight I can control myself getting or not getting some of them.  I am still sorta young, and now is my last chance to get it together before anything serious happens. 

I have to get the bulmia gone and this plan works for that also.  I don’t ever really feel over full, so the urge to purge isn’t there like at other times.  I still belong to the gym, so that is always there.  I might go tomorrow.  I am scared, it’s been a long time since I walked in the door.  I know that first step will be the hardest, but I did it before, I can do it again.

Thank you all again, so much.

Drea 

First I wanted to thank you all for your encouraging words and thoughts concerning my last blog entry.  It really touches my heart that so many would care when they don’t know me or my mom.

We still don’t know anything, it’s been a week in the hospital today.  It’s been test after test, biopsy after biopsy..and now a surgery tomorrow because they couldn’t conclude anything from all of the other stuff.

It’s been such a stressful time and while I didn’t even have a thought of food the first couple of days, my old self is back and wanting the mindless comfort of an old friend.  I am eating just to eat, or just to have something to enjoy.  I feel like crap afterward and the food doesn’t even taste that good.  It’s like I can’t seem to keep myself from it.  Sometimes I don’t have the energy to purge like before so it just sits there.  I hate food, I really do.  When will I figure out it is my enemy and nothing even close to a friend?  Why can’t I see it for the demon it has been in my life.  I know it’s not foods fault, I have been the one to give it the power it has……and only I can take it back. 

I can’t even count all of the things in life it has kept me from trying, or the people it has kept me from meeting.  Maybe once we can finally get this all figured out about mom I can go back and regain the focus I had in the beginning.  I hate that my appetite is so selfish as to even use up any of the energy I can hold onto at this point. 

I know this one was full of babbling, I just seem to have a million thoughts at once.  I just feel so guilty that any of my words in this blog have to do with food and my fight with it.  It seems my eyes get opened when I am doing all of this then after I walk away I am easily distracted by my own selfish desires.

Here is to actually facing everything head-on, not with binging, not by stuffing my feelings down with a bag of doritos.  It’s time to feel 100% of it all, the good, sad, bad, anger…….wow, very scary.

I haven’t eaten anything at all today, a bite of one thing or two and I am stuck.  It seems being scared is a great way to get rid of your appetite. 

My mom went in the hospital last night and now we are waiting on a bone scan and biopsy to be done.  It’s strange how when you have to worry about the things that really matter in life, your perspective on yourself changes. 

I don’t eat because I am hungry or because my body needs it to sustain life.  I eat because it’s important to me, it’s my comfort, friends, addiction…….  I never realized before how selfish the act of overeating is.  It takes money, my time, my energy, my love, my sadness, parts of myself that should go to others…that I should share.

I am sitting here waiting on all of these tests and find that food is one of the last things I care about.  The center that I was going to go into for the bulima suddenly doesn’t even seem like an option.  Why would I eat too much?  Why would I throw up?  Why would I give that much of myself over to something like that at this point?

The answer is, I won’t.  I won’t allow the food to control any of this situation at all.  I am sure it would be easier to eat an entire pizza right now that face the reality that is looming.  What would that accomplish?  Would that give comfort to my mom, or to my family?  Would it make this all just go away?  No, it wouldn’t and it won’t. 

The things I am about ready to face are things that I have to face.  That is without my old friends, the food and the bulimia.  I must face this with a sober mind and clear thoughts. 

These are the things and times that matter in life……this is all there is.

This is the day that things are going to change.  I did okay yesterday, though not great by any means.  I don’t think I was ready yet at all.  I found this site last night and knew it was exactly what I needed to help me keep with my goals.

I have bulima and have for almost 6 years.  That is the battle I am fighting along with all of the nasty weight.  I think being addicted to other things has to be a bit easier.  What I mean is, they can quit drinking and not be around it, or quit smoking and do the same.  I will always have to deal with food as long as I am on this earth.  It’s just that I will have to fight my urges several times a day, and I know that can be an up-hill fight.

I already belong to a gym and I love it there.  I haven’t  been for a couple of months because I was really having a lot of depression.  I hate that it’s being paid for and I am not putting it to use.  I am making myself go this afternoon, I don’t care how tired I am. 

I have been this way as long as I can remember and tried every single diet I think known to man.  I can lose, but then it all comes back.  I hate living this way, because lots of times it’s not really living at all.

I want to feel normal, look normal, and buy normal clothes.  I hate shopping in the plus-size section, I hate the looks I get from others, having my pic taken, not being confident enogh to do what I want with my life.   

My motivation is not having to go through this same thing next year on New Years Eve.  I don’t want to sit there at midnight and think how I want to lose weight over the next year, my so-called resolution.  It’s been the same one for about 20yrs now and it’s time to stop.  I want to sit there at midnight and think about other things I could do, or for a change not make any resolution at all.  How about I just enjoy myself for a change, ring in the new year with a smile and not a sense of dread or failure. 

That is why I am here, that is why I am looking for friends to do this with.  By ourselves we lose hope, we eat too much, we open ourselves up for failure.  If we have others going through it with us, someone that understands, that can feed of the combined energy and motivation, I am convinced we can make it.

I wish myself luck this year, I wish myself peace, hope, and strength like never before.  I also wish all of these things for you.