shrinkingfaerie

I got a call this morning that my grandmother had passed away.  I cried some, but I think at this point I am pretty numb, or I am making myself be. 

I loved my grandmother very much.  I know that we haven’t been as close in the past few years as we were when I was younger, but that didn’t change the way I felt about her. 

She was beautiful.  She had the bluest eyes, I always loved them.  I have memories of her always having make-up on, and when it was time for bed, her hair wrapped in toilet paper. 

I think there are parts of her that I never knew, that saddens me.  We never really talked a whole lot about things and the way they were.  I don’t know anything about the way she grew up, or what her parents were like.  Those are things I always thought we would get around to, I guess we won’t.

I don’t know that I am as sad about her passing (I know she is in heaven..she had a strong faith and was ready) as I am sad for me that I won’t ever know her like I wanted to.

She was loving, but for some reason we just never went there.  Perhaps that is my fault, or some hers for not realizing I had grown up.  It lays on us both for not bringing up those things, but it is me that is stuck here wishing we had.

I hate regrets, I hate thinking of all of the things I could have said, or could have done.  I hate to think of the times when her name came up on the caller id and I didn’t answer because I didn’t have time or didn’t feel like talking.

I think in some ways I punished her after my other grandmother died.  I think I did it because she wasn’t like her.  They were as different as night and day, but I am as much a part of each as I can be.  I can see the qualities that I carry that are from the personality of each of those wonderful women.

My life is more empty today than it was yesterday, and will never be that full again.  Each day as my loved ones age, as their health gets worse, or things happen to take them from me…..I realize how fragile the whole thing is.

I pray I will never take one moment with anyone I love for granted.  I will always tell and show them in every single way I can how much they mean to me. 

I take that lesson from you grandma….the lesson of time, the lesson of not having regrets.

I love you and miss you very much.

Guess I am not as numb as I thought. 

One last kiss with lipstick smudges on my cheeks.

I will miss that silly smudge.